Monday, January 11, 2010

I Quit

I Quit: "

imageKitteh here knows how I feel, except it’s not the caffeine part of my breakfast of champions that I’ve given up, it’s the nicotine.

Yes, that’s the new aspect of my life that I was trying to get through. Aren’t you glad you know now? ;) I know, a big letdown, but it wasn’t something I felt I could talk about until I was able to get over the worst of it successfully. And frankly, I wasn’t sure I’d make it to Wednesday. Having spent at least 25 of the last 30+ years smoking, it is indeed a new aspect of life for me. Yeah, I’ve quit a handful of times before, since I first started smoking on that long ago day back in the 70’s. And I’ve had moderate success. But smoking has been a way of life for me, and the security blanket that I’ve always desperately clung to (or returned to) in times of stress or frustration.

Yeahhh, don’t judge me. I’ve seen you sneak that chocolate, that ice cream, snack on those chips when you get stressed out too! I know about your doughnuts and fried chicken, your candy and your Facebook. We all have our weaknesses and smoking is mine.

But in a bizarre way, I feel like I’m letting my team down. Smokers are so maligned and vilified, and I feel guilty for reducing the numbers. Smokers are treated like the ugly stepsisters of Cinderella and I resent that. Smoking is legal and for the record, it will always BE legal, because the government needs you to smoke. If they made it illegal they couldn’t tax it unfairly anymore, and Lord knows they’ll never give that up. So smoking will always be legal, and tobacco companies will always be in business. And smoking is kind of an American thing to do, since it was our Natives who first shared the idea of smoking with the Europeans who came to visit. So there.

I made the decision way back in July, and I didn’t even tell Darc about it until late in December sometime. I know, from past experience, that both of us quitting together is … not a good thing. So when I told him I was quitting, I made sure he understood that I was going to be the one to go first, and that I wasn’t going to impose my decision on him in any way. That really wouldn’t be fair to him. He has been amazingly considerate and understanding.

This wasn’t something I really wanted to do, either. For the record, I like smoking. And I’m not sure what compelled me to say, “This is it, it’s time now,” but I did. I don’t feel I deserve a whole lot of credit for my efforts either because it was just something I had to do, like take the chicken out of the oven, or get in the shower. This needs doing, so do it. I gave myself about 6 mos or so to get used to the idea, and I think that helped. And I’ve been praying a lot. A LOT.

And because I seem to be one of the people who procrastinates until the last minute in order to make the least effort possible, I didn’t use any kind of stop-smoking aids. To me, using an aid would feel like prolonging the agony. So I did it the old fashioned way. Cold turkey – 3 days and it’s done. They’re not the most pleasant of days because let’s face it, it’s withdrawing from a drug like any junkie, and withdrawal sucks. It’s sort of like labor. You just have to get through it, but once you’re done, you’re done and you have the satisfaction of knowing it’s over.

So, things have been a bit … terse, here in the Darc House. I’ve had to just sort of pull back and keep to myself in a lot of ways, just to maintain some semblance of control. It’s not Darc’s problem and it’s not my kid’s problem, and I don’t want to take it out on anyone. And because I’ve been unable to just smoke it out, I seethe a little more. My crutch is gone. And that makes me tense. And uptight. And just a leetle bit c.r.a.n.k.y.

But I have survived the 1st week, and so has my family! They are all still alive!

Now you know. Yeah, it’s a new aspect of my life. More on the snarky side to be sure, but it’s a smoke-free kind of snark. ;) Oh, and for the record, I am not, and never will be, one of those dreaded “reformed smoker” types. So anyone else here who wants to light up while you read my blog, please feel free. Just please use an ashtray. :D

Posted in FYI, Thinking out loud Tagged: FYI, LOLz, Smoking, Thinking

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